Spent this morning reading through the old blog I kept during my road-trip back in 2008. I can’t even fathom how much I’ve changed since then, as a result of that trip.
For years I’d felt the need to do something drastic, I felt trapped in my own life. At first it was a North American month pass for VIA Rails, and eventually it evolved in to a road trip. I invited my friends to come, and they agreed, but backed out at the last second. Although at the time it hurt, I decided to go anyway and it ended up being better that way. I needed to redefine myself, and you can’t do that with anyone watching.
During the weeks leading up to it, everyone including my closest friends and family tried to talk me out of it. The Dale they knew could not handle something like this, especially alone! They were just concerned, because it was so unlike me. It was a big thing to do alone, it was intimidating and risky. Not what I was known for. And even though I had my own doubts as well, I stayed determined, and when the time came I got in my car and drove headlong into those doubts.
It’s no exaggeration to say that none of my major accomplishments could have happened without those 2 weeks alone on the road. During those 2 weeks a seed was planted. I started to suspect I was capable of much more than I’d originally thought. During those 2 weeks I saw things I never thought I’d see, did so many things I never could have imagined myself doing, it made me realize all those limitations I’d placed on myself were illusions.
Suddenly I felt restless in my old life. I knew I wanted more. I decided to move to Edmonton for a change of pace and to get out of debt. I never would have seen that as a possibility before the road-trip, but now it was something I had no doubt I was capable of. Then working in the videogame industry watered that seed, and that suspicion grew into a conviction. I was capable of so much more than I’d given myself credit for, and life had so much more to offer than I’d let myself see when I lived in doubt.
Reading that blog was a revelation. In one of the entries before I hit the road, I wrote that I’d wanted this road-trip to be one of the most important things I ever did, a “spiritual odyssey, an existential exodus.” And that’s exactly what it was. Now I live in Halifax, I’m in a career I love and I’m climbing it fast, I welcome every new adventure presented to me with excitement.
I had no idea the places that road-trip would lead me, years after I thought it was over. I end this entry with a quotation from that old blog:
“Well, even though I have enough money to make it to the East Coast, it wouldn’t leave enough time to properly enjoy the cities remaining on my trip, especially Montreal and Toronto. So it looks like this is as far East as I make it for now. But I’m sure I’ll make it out there some day!”
So I’ve been out here for about a year now, and even though there have been some tough times, moving out here and finding the career of my dreams has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I’m so thankful for it. Sometimes I stop and think how lucky I am to have had so many random things come together to lead me here, both good and bad. Being in debt which made me need to look for a better job, having a cousin who lived in Edmonton who I knew I could ask to stay with while I worked a job in Edmonton that paid better, finding out he could get me a term position at Bioware, and then finding it was more than just a cool job, but a career I could be passionate about. But looking even further back: getting my license because I wanted more independence, then a year and a half later, feeling completely lost and deciding to take a road-trip to try to “find myself”.
Of all the many random things that came together to bring me to where I am now, the road-trip has always stood out in my mind as the real moment I took control of my path, and directed it somewhere better. Before the road-trip I never quite felt truly independent in mind. I lived with a subtle fear that motivated all my actions. I always had someone to fall back on, and rarely had to deal with things on my own. At some point in my formative years, I’d made some subconscious decision to succumb to fear, and it had informed all subsequent decisions in my life.
But the shelter it provided started to get pretty confining. And because my actions were all limited by that fear, the person I presented myself as never quite felt like me, but instead I felt defined by those fears; no one understood who I was behind them all. And then I realized they were right. It’s not who you are behind all your fears that defines you. You are what you do, not what you wish you could do. No one has any right to demand respect for intentions or dreams alone. It’s your actions that define you.
So I decided to go on the road-trip. I made some sort of internal mental commitment to it, and refused to back down, even though everyone who said they’d come backed out, which in the end was for the best. Then there was car troubles, work issues, and many attempts to talk me out of it from concerned friends and family who were not used to seeing me take risks like this.
Yes, I was still scared as hell, but I knew this was it. This was a defining moment, if for no other reason than I’d made it one. This moment would set the precedent. If I backed out now, my life would continue to be a series of missed opportunities, compromises, and the justifications that follow. But if I broke that pattern by taking this risk and living the adventure that would follow, it’d be the beginning of a life of pursuing my true ambitions and taking chances on the things I believed in.
So June came and I packed my car and hit the road. It was the best thing I ever did in my life. For just under 3 weeks I lived an adventure that, to this day, not a single other soul truly knows. I was the only constant, and it was fueled by my willpower alone. For 3 weeks I trained myself to follow a dream and to power through those feelings of self doubt and fear. And I learned that it’s always worth it in the end. You only get one life, and it goes by a lot faster than you plan. I want so much more out of that life than just comfort.
When I returned home, I returned to a life that no longer reflected who I was. I’d changed. I was ready to follow my dreams, overcome fears and enjoy the adventure. But this was a life I’d created while paralyzed by fear. It just didn’t reflect the drive I now had. In the 3 weeks I had been gone I’d learned so much: There was always going to be reasons not to follow your dreams, routine would always be easier than change, and talk and action are 2 very different things. Sometimes you need to break your own patterns, and take irrational risks, because your dreams should weigh in on your decisions.
The true changes I’d gone through didn’t become apparent to me until I was back home, and it just didn’t quite feel like home anymore. I ended up getting a tattoo to commemorate that lesson. Sometimes, despite all reasons not to, you gotta follow your dreams and just run the red.
I broke a pattern that summer 2 years ago, and began a new one. Ever since, I’ve followed my dreams and taken chances. No doubt it has made life harder, but it’s also made it worth it. Every dark day I have here has a sense of purpose. I used to have such a propensity for long deep depressions, because when I felt low, that was all there was. The risks I’ve taken have led me to a life where even the dark days are just a step on the path to my dreams.
For a decade my life had been pretty stagnant, not much changed year to year. But in the 18 months since that road-trip I now live 2 provinces away, have an entire new group of friends, have found the career of my dreams and have my next steps planned out for that career. I make twice as much money doing something I love, have dated some really nice girls, learned how to weather the dark times and truly enjoy the good ones, and have changed as a person more than I thought possible. Or maybe I’ve just learned how to be myself. I can honestly say I didn’t truly grow up until a year ago. My teenage life lasted well into my 20’s. But better late then never.
And everything I have now, I can trace back to that road-trip. It’s the one common denominator that let me become capable of all this. It was that first decision, to go on the road-trip no matter what, that then spawned all subsequent decisions that led me here. It sparked a commitment to truly better my life, no matter the cost, no matter the fear or doubts. That was when my life truly began, because it’s when I finally learned how to actually live.
Woke up this morning and took the bandage off my tattoo. Put some vitamin E on it and took a shower. So far looks pretty cool, though it's only half done, and no red yet. But at least it's the bottom half that's done so when I wear a normal tee you can hardly tell it's not done. My next appointment is on October 18th to finish it up. It's been years since my last tattoo, I forgot how addictive it can be; I'm already thinking of what to get next. Kyra wants to get a tattoo some time soon so I'm gunna go with her and possibly get one at the same time. She's made me promise to let her break my hand while she gets it done.
Today Andi and I hung out for the day. We went to Dal's for lunch, and then she surprised me by getting the bill, which was cool of her. From there we headed to Value Village and tried on Halloween costumes, clothes and accessories. Lauren always finds cool things there.
Tonight Kyra and I might go see a movie. Tropic Thunder is playing, but she's seen it. I'm thinking Dark Knight, cause she's never seen it, and I can never see it enough. Loved that movie. After that I think it's computer games with Chad.
And with that, I leave you with a picture of my purchases from today:
Currently sitting in the chair getting my tattoo! I missed the sting of the needle, LOL. Almost done the outline... Owie.
So this one is a half sleeve of traffic lights, all red. It's to commemorate my road-trip and signafies one of the many lessons I learned from it. I had a million reasons not to go on that trip, but it was just something I had to do. Even as my friends backed out, money ran out and my car broke down, I was determined to go. And in the end I did, and I'm so proud that I did. There's always a million reasons not to do something, sometimes you just gotta run the red...
So I'm 25 years old... Kinda weird. My Dad was this age when I was born! Yikes.
Had another great Birthday. My past few ones have been really good, and this one kept the tradition going. Marcus is back from England for a few days, and everyone was going to the King's Head Pub, which coincided with my Birthday being the next day, so it was kind of a duel event. Good times. Got free drinks all night and at midnight everyone wished me a happy Bday. It was great to see Marcus again, missed that brit.
Spent my actual Birthday with my new friend Kyra! We went to Mongo's for lunch, spent like 2 hours there, then headed back to my place so she could meet Starbuck. She loves animals and we played with the puppy for quite a while, then took her for a walk at the park. After that we went and got ice-cream and watched Run Fatboy Run with Brett, Linda and Jeff.
Tomorrow I get my tattoo and I'm very excited! I'll post pix once it's done. Julie agreed to work a few hours for me so I don't have to worry about being late for work. It does suck that I have to work at all on the same day I'm getting inked, but I'll survive. It's been years since my last tattoo, so I'm quite psyched!
I was going to get a tattoo today with Brett cause he just got his but there wasn't enough time so I am on Wednesday. Kinda dissappointing. But now we're getting mongos! A decent consolation.
Oh and I wrote this while waiting in line at mongos. I love my iPhone! -- Post From My iPhone
Reading that blog was a revelation. In one of the entries before I hit the road, I wrote that I’d wanted this road-trip to be one of the most important things I ever did, a “spiritual odyssey, an existential exodus.” And that’s exactly what it was. Now I live in Halifax, I’m in a career I love and I’m climbing it fast, I welcome every new adventure presented to me with excitement.
