Entanglement

“The world is given to me only once, not one existing and one perceived.” - Erwin Schrödinger

Taking a chance is often an intimidating task.  All possible outcomes race through your mind.  Each play out simultaneously, indefinite until measured.  It’s easy to leave it to theory, to chalk it up to superposition and move on with your life.  Giving something that matters a definitive state can be a scary thing.  But they say the only things you live to regret are the risks you didn’t take.

Over the past few years I’ve learned betting on myself pays off more often than it doesn’t.  As success bred confidence I found it easier and easier to take a chance on myself.  And my life is so much better for it.  But this lesson was learned so late!  I can't help but reflect on all the chances I never took.  My life is filled with regret.  So many parallel lives playing out simultaneously in my mind, lives that could have been, should have been.

So many chances to shine were spent hiding in the dark.  So many ambitions silenced under my own guard.  Too many dreams of my youth never made their way to my waking life.  I've loved, but never took the chance they might love me back. Most of them never even knew.  I imagine a life where I told every girl, took every chance, and risked for every reward.  A world where every possibility was sparked into existence through my observation.  I’d have gained more than I lost.  I’d have taken 2 steps forward for every step back.  I’d ride the wave of probability.  Who knows how far I’d be if I hadn’t waited so long to open the box.

I’m still young, despite being the oldest I’ve ever been.  I can go forward with this knowledge, and try not to repeat the mistakes that haunt me still.  But they will haunt me forever.  I may never forgive myself.  Regret is the most diabolical of mechanisms.

Growing up, it seems, is the collapse of possibility into the reality.  Better late than never.  If we don’t take risks, life ends up being nothing more than a thought experiment.  So many dualities denied any kind of fate, left for eternity in limbo.  Parallel lives, both living and dead.  And neither.

It Keeps Changin’ Fast And It Don’t Last For Long

I had someone important to me from Edmonton tell me she heard this song and the lyrics reminder her of me.  On seeing the lyrics I was really touched that someone saw this in me.

Rocky Mountain High
John Denver
Words by John Denver; Music by John Denver and Mike Taylor

He was born in the summer of his 27th year
Comin' home to a place he'd never been before
He left yesterday behind him, you might say he was born again
You might say he found a key for every door

When he first came to the mountains his life was far away
On the road and hangin' by a song
But the string's already broken and he doesn't really care
It keeps changin' fast and it don't last for long

But the Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
The shadow from the starlight is softer than a lullabye
Rocky mountain high

He climbed cathedral mountains, he saw silver clouds below
He saw everything as far as you can see
And they say that he got crazy once and he tried to touch the sun
And he lost a friend but kept his memory

Now he walks in quiet solitude the forest and the streams
Seeking grace in every step he takes
His sight has turned inside himself to try and understand
The serenity of a clear blue mountain lake

And the Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
You can talk to God and listen to the casual reply
Rocky mountain high

Now his life is full of wonder but his heart still knows some fear
Of a simple thing he cannot comprehend
Why they try to tear the mountains down to bring in a couple more
More people, more scars upon the land

And the Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
I know he'd be a poorer man if he never saw an eagle fly
Rocky mountain high

It's Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
Friends around the campfire and everybody's high
Rocky mountain high

Entropy

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” – Anatole France

It’s been about 3 years since I moved away from Winnipeg.  When I did, I really only planned to be gone for 3 months.  I’d lived there my whole life, and until a recent road-trip, I’d been completely content with the idea of living there the rest of my life.  My family lived there, I had life-long friends, I knew the city…  Now I doubt I’ll ever live there again.

Even after all this time, it still hits me sometimes and I have to just take a second to take it in.  I’m living in Halifax, on the East Coast, working a salary position in the videogame industry.  Before that I lived in Edmonton for over 2 years, with a group of great friends there, working at BioWare.  How the hell did that happen!?  I always expected to grow old in the city I was born in.  I never expected things to change too much.  But they have.

Sometimes as I’m falling asleep I still expect to wake the next morning in my room on Horace Street, the apartment I lived in with 3 of my friends.  I’d spend some time on the computer for a bit in my little computer room, then drive the Honda to Rogers Video and work a shift with Craig or Lauren, maybe Omar.  Watch Aladdin or Ferris Beuler at work, rent a free movie or game on the way home.  Brett would get home from his shift at Little Caesar’s, maybe bring home a pizza.  Brett, Linda, Tim and I would watch a movie, Jeff and/or Andi might come over.  On the weekend I’d catch a movie with Chad at the St. Vital Famous Players, maybe some Smitty’s for lunch first, then he’d come over with Olga and we’d all have some beers and play some Rock Band.

My mind still can’t seem to grasp the fact that it’s been 3 years since then.  And that not only has my life has gone on since then, but so has theirs.  I still feel like I could go back to that if I chose to.  I could just fly back, get my job at Rogers Video again and move back into my old room.  Have everyone over and just say “Hey guys!  I’m back!”, and just fall back into the familiar.

But that’s not the case.  I wouldn’t recognize the people who answered the door at Horace, my friends moved out of there a long time ago.  When I went to Rogers Video for my old job, I’d find a mattress store.  Rogers Video closed last year, and everyone I worked with have moved on to other things.  If I dropped by Chad’s place to invite him and Olga to a movie, I’d remember they now live in Edmonton, 1400 kilometers away from the St Vital Famous Players.  Tim and I wouldn’t be going grocery shopping together for supplies for the apartment, he lives in Vancouver now.  Brett and Linda will soon be following.  Andi lives a whole other life now, as do many friends I’ve fallen out of touch with. 

That life is over.  It’s not continuing in some place I can choose to return to.  Those people no longer exist, they’ve grown and changed; those places are no longer those places, other people lead different lives there now.  The places erode and are rebuilt, constantly changing, to the point I don’t recognize my home town a little more every time I visit.  The people I used to hang out with every other night now live as far as the other side of the country.  But the real kicker is knowing that even if that life did still exist, perfectly preserved as I left it, and I were to return to it, I’d find it didn’t matter at all how different or the same it is.  I’ve changed.  I’m not that person anymore either.

It’s not that I want to be that person again, or even want to return to that life.  But I never got proper closure on that time in my life.  An impulse decision to move, something temporary inadvertently becoming permanent, ambitions driving me across the country and changing me in the process, the whole while some subconscious part of me felt like it was still just for 3 months, then I’d be going back home.  But home is gone.  And for the time being, I am transient.  Part of the job.

That sudden break from a life I’d known and built for decades probably left a permanent mark.  It’s not a bad thing, just an experience that has formed me.  On some level, that life will always be waiting for me to return.  Brett and Linda are at Horace in the living room, playing with the Pug.  Tim’s in his room recording a track.  Craig, Lauren and Jenna are working at Rogers, making plans to go to The Toad that night.  Chad’s working at Wal-Mart and then Olga’s spending the night.  Andi’s always ready for a late night conversation over some cigarettes in the car in front of her place.  Kyra is excited about our next date.  And when I get back, we’ll al go to Earl’s for some drinks, and continue that life where we left off…

The Transient

“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth...not going all the way, and not starting.”

The week before I left Edmonton I remember sitting on the apartment balcony with Chad discussing the coming changes.  I was expressing my conflicted feelings.  While I was extremely excited to be moving up in the industry, getting a salary position at much higher pay with much more responsibility and the adventure of starting over in a new city again, I also had to admit I was very apprehensive about the first few months.

I recounted the story of my first few months in Edmonton and how alone I was, and filled with doubt I felt.  The doubt was the worst part.  To leave behind a perfectly good life for hope of a better one is a risky trade off.  To let go of something, hoping for a greater return in the future is a romantic concept, but doesn’t always end that way.  And to be haunted by these thoughts for months, while you sit alone, night after night, missing the family, friends and life you left behind…  It’s not easy.

He assured me it would all be ok, and I knew he was probably right.  But I’d been through this trial before, and barely made it out with my conviction.  By the time Chad moved to Edmonton I’d already formed a life waiting to welcome him.  My friends were looking forward to meeting him, and he had an apartment to live with me in waiting for him.  There were no dark lonely nights for him, just staying up playing Uncharted in our living room, and having house-warming parties with all my friends.  And Olga would be moving out to join him in 2 months.  He realized this, but stood firm that I’d get through it, like I had before. A good friend.

So here I sit in Halifax.  Alone in a dark apartment, desperately missing something as simple as sitting on a balcony with my friend.  This trial isn’t any easier the second time around, in fact in many ways it’s harder.  When I moved to Edmonton it wasn’t so much going to Edmonton but escaping Winnipeg.  I loved my family and friends, but my life had stalled out, and I needed a total change of scenery to grow.  Moving here was not escaping Edmonton.  It actually felt more like being exiled, what with my final contract at BioWare coming to an end.

The past 2 months have been some of the darkest of my life.  It’s been incredibly lonely.  The city feels very unwelcoming.  I live in one of the absolute worst areas in Halifax where I fear for my safety.  While I like the job and the people I work with, it’s been difficult to make friends even there, and sometimes I’m overcome with self-doubt about my work performance.  The city layout forces me to bus to work.  The costs of moving twice in 3 months including a cross-country move have left me feeling the poorest I’ve even been, despite making the most I ever have.  My nights are filled with the doubt that this was a bad decision, and everything I let go of is not coming back.

And this move feels different.  When I moved to Edmonton, Winnipeg felt “next door”.  It was where I just came from.  Now I’m twice removed from the city I grew up in.  I moved to Halifax from Edmonton, but I’m from Winnipeg.  Sometimes I feel so lost, like a transient with no home.  Home is beginning to feel like a foreign concept.  I knew what it meant once to have history somewhere.  A place where people knew you, where you came from, and how you became the man you are now.  Now I feel like I’m always the new guy.  I have no history, and I’m just passing through.

But I’m reminded of Chad’s words.  That I would make it through this, I have before.  And I’m beginning to realize he was right.

Things are finally getting better, and I’m feeling hope again.  I’m getting good feedback at work and I’ve made a few friends there.  I’ve made some friends outside of work as well.  I met a girl on the bus and have hung out with her a few times for coffee.  A friend of a friend just moved to the city as well, and we have hung out a few times, and I move in with him tomorrow!  Living with a new friend will go far in making this city feel more like home.  It’s a nicer place in a nicer area as well.  And on the next check I should be all caught up on moving costs and I should finally start seeing all the extra money that brought me here in the first place.  Having some spending money will also make this feel a bit more like home.

I’m finally beginning to be able to picture a future in this city.  And that’s a major turning point.  It was after 2 months of desperation that things finally started to fall into place in Edmonton, and in the end Edmonton was the best period of my life thus far! 

I think this trial is ending, and just like last time the only thing I managed to carry through it was my conviction.  And now I’m beginning to see the rewards.  The sense of adventure has returned.  I just moved to the East Coast!  To run a department and earn a salary!  I work by the ocean!  I WALKED THE OCEAN SIDE DURING A HURRICANE!  Yes, leaving Winnipeg set me on a path that has been harder than I anticipated, but it’s also been more rewarding than I ever could have imagined.

I remember as I packed the last of my things into my car in Edmonton, Chad and I had our manly handshake and did our best to hide our emotions.  It was all very Joey & Chandler.  “Enjoy your life here, Chad.  Edmonton’s been good to me” I told him.  And as I drove off I watched Chad waving goodbye, leaving him to the life I’d made in Edmonton, the life I never expected to blossom.  And yet it had become my home.  And while I knew it was Chad’s home now, and that he would have his own adventures there, I was off to start a new one of my own.

Tomorrow Never Comes

Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task.  ~William James

For as long as I can remember my friends have told me I should eat healthier, maybe workout.  Over the last few years, this last one especially, I’ve watched the pounds add up, and continually told myself I’d start working out soon, later, tomorrow.  It’s been this way with many of my goals in life.  They were abstract, not something I felt I could actually reach out and grasp, but a light at the end of the eternal tunnel.

I’ve been having a bit of a paradigm shift lately.  I’ve been making the most of my 3 months off.  I wake up early, work out first thing in the morning, shower, have a healthy lunch, do Unreal training, etc.  My days have been extremely productive.  At first this schedule was really hard to maintain.  Waking up early did not come naturally to me, I was incredibly out of shape so working out gave me a headache and made me feel like crap, and I’d spent years making a habit of procrastination.  Breaking these routines and excuses was tough.  But I forced myself.

As I caught up on everything I’d let slide, all the things I swore I’d do someday, I began to feel elated…  Moment to moment life felt so much better knowing there wasn’t a dozen tasks hanging over my head.  When I have a free moment, it truly feels free.  NOTHING is nagging at me, and instead of guilt for not doing what I know I should be, I feel pride in the reward of a truly free moment.

It’s like I’ve been in debt for most of my life.  And I don’t mean financially.  I owed this many tasks, to that many causes.  But I wasn’t budgeting, and in reality I was falling further behind from my goals, not catching up.

I’m finally catching up, finally making tangible progress.  And the light at the end of the tunnel is getting bigger as I get closer.  There will always be another goal after, but for the first time I’m actually making constant progress towards real goals, and every day offers their own rewards on the way.

I’ve learned procrastination is the enemy of happiness.  All the things you put off, you put in between yourself and your goals, your happiness.  You are opting for more obstacles, just to maintain your inertia.  And those obstacles pile up until they obstruct the light from reaching you.  It’s time to clear the tracks, full steam ahead.  The light at the end of the tunnel is not abstract, it’s there and can be reached.

Down Payment

I’ve been having some financial trouble as of late.  It’s no secret I accrued some debt in my youth.

Over the past year I’ve changed more than I ever have before.  Finding a passion in life, realizing I’m good at something, and having the courage to follow it really brought out who I’ve always felt I was.  When I think of the aimless bum I used to be, overwhelmed with restlessness and ennui, it makes me so thankful to be out here.

But it’s frustrating that while I’ve finally gotten my shit together, pursuing a well-paying career I love, making new friends and building a life I can call my own, I still live in the shadow of the stupid decisions I made in my past.  There was a time when my life was just a void I tried to fill any way possible.  From one destructive thing to another I looked for distractions and ways to keep myself from having to focus on the fact that my life really had no purpose or goal.  Now that I’ve found a goal, ironically, life has become looking for ways to keep the repercussions of those days from becoming distractions themselves, from the future I’m trying to build.

That said, I don’t let myself feel too bad for too long.  An amazingly intricate series of events, coincidences and mistakes led me here, and I am incredibly lucky they did.  If it weren’t for my mistakes as a teen I never would have fallen off the beaten path, I never would have searched for more out of life, I wouldn't have gone on a roadtrip I couldn’t afford looking for it.  Without that roadtrip I never would have had the courage (or debt) to consider coming out here in search of something more lucrative and rewarding, and never would have stumbled into the life I had been looking for all along.  I’ve never seen the potential for the kind of happiness this path offers, ever before in my life.  I don’t know anyone who loves their job like I do (except the other people I work with).  I love going into the office, I’m good at the work I do, I love the people I work with, I can take pride in the work I do and the products that will have my name on them.  It’s work I can get excited about. 

And it’s a company that treats their employees fantastically.  Where else offers things like Cake Day, Beer Day, Board Game Day, Free Sundae Day, free breakfasts and snacks?  Where else can a Nerf war break out at any moment?  Where else can you swing by a buddies office and take a 15 minute Soul Caliber break?  It’s not just fun and games though, I work hard, meet deadlines, take on responsibilities, etc, and I love it.  I’ve never felt productive or useful the way I do here.  Even if I don’t get a permanent position this year, next year or even the year after that…  I can’t feel anything but humble and grateful that I have this kind of opportunity at all, and I won’t squander it.

I’ll just have to look at these tougher times as a test.  And I promise you I will pass.  I’ve never before had such a burning passion, such narrow tunnel vision, such determination.  I’ve never wanted something more.  And more importantly, I’ve never been good at something like this before.  I will put in as much time as it takes, I will rough out the storm no matter how hard it pours, and I will EARN the future that will make it all worth it.

“There is no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love; there's only scarcity of resolve to make it happen.”

Death and What Comes Next

When Death met the philosopher, the philosopher said, rather excitedly: "At this point, you realize, I'm both dead and not dead."

There was a sigh from Death. Oh dear, one of those, he thought. This is going to be about quantum again. He hated dealing with philosophers. They always tried to wriggle out of it.

"You see," said the philosopher, while Death, motionless, watched the sands of his life drain through the hourglass, "everything is made of tiny particles, which have the strange property of being in many places at one time. But things made of tiny particles tend to stay in one place at one time, which does not seem right according to quantum theory. May I continue?"

YES, BUT NOT INDEFINITELY, said Death, EVERYTHING IS TRANSIENT. He did not take his gaze away from the tumbling sand.

"Well, then, if we agreed that there are an infinite number of universes, then the problem is solved! If there are an unlimited number of universes, this bed can be in millions of them, all at the same time!"

DOES IT MOVE?

"What?

Death nodded at the bed. CAN YOU FEEL IT MOVING? he said.

"No, because there are a million versions of me, too, And...here is the good bit ...in some of them I am not about to pass away! Anything is possible!"

Death tapped the handle of his scythe as he considered this.

AND YOUR POINT IS...?

"Well, I'm not exactly dying, correct? You are no longer such a certainty."

There was a sigh from Death. Space he thought. That was the trouble. It was never like this on worlds with everlastingly cloudy skies. But once humans saw all that space, their brains expanded to try and fill it up.

"No answer, eh?" said the dying philosopher. "Feel a bit old-fashioned, do we?"

THIS IS A CONUNDRUM CERTAINLY, said Death. Once they prayed, he thought. Mind you, he'd never been sure that prayer worked, either. He thought for a while. AND I SHALL ANSWER IT IN THIS MANNER, he added. YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE?

"What?"

THE LADY WHO HAS BEEN LOOKING AFTER YOU. YOU LOVE HER?

"Yes. Of course."

CAN YOU THINK OF ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHERE, WITHOUT YOUR PERSONAL HISTORY CHANGING IN ANY WAY YOU WOULD AT THIS MOMENT PICK UP A KNIFE AND STAB HER? said Death. FOR EXAMPLE?

"Certainly not!"

BUT YOUR THEORY SAYS THAT YOU MUST. IT IS EASILY POSSIBLE WITHIN THE PHYSICAL LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE, AND THEREFORE MUST HAPPEN, AND HAPPEN MANY TIMES. EVERY MOMENT IS A BILLION, BILLION MOMENTS, AND IN THOSE MOMENTS ALL THINGS THAT ARE POSSIBLE ARE INEVITABLE. ALL TIME SOONER OR LATER, BOILS DOWN TO A MOMENT.

"But of course we can make choices between-"

ARE THERE CHOICES? EVERYTHING THAT CAN HAPPEN, MUST HAPPEN. YOUR THEORY SAYS THAT FOR EVERY UNIVERSE THAT'S FORMED TO ACCOMMODATE YOUR 'NO', THERE MUST BE ONE TO ACCOMMODATE YOUR 'YES'. BUT YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER COMMIT MURDER. THE FABRIC OF THE COSMOS TREMBLES BEFORE YOUR TERRIBLE CERTAINTY. YOUR MORALITY BECOMES A FORCE AS STRONG AS GRAVITY. And, thought Death, space certainly has a lot to answer for.

"Was that sarcasm?"

ACTUALLY, NO. I AM IMPRESSED AND INTRIGUED, said Death. THE CONCEPT YOU PUT BEFORE ME PROVES THE EXISTENCE OF TWO HITHERTO MYTHICAL PLACES. SOMEWHERE, THERE IS A WORLD WHERE EVERYONE MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE, THE MORAL CHOICE, THE CHOICE THAT MAXIMISED THE HAPPINESS OF THEIR FELLOW CREATURES, OF COURSE, THAT ALSO MEANS THAT SOMEWHERE ELSE IS THE SMOKING REMNANT OF THE WORLD WHERE THEY DID NOT ...

"Oh, come on! I know what you're implying, and I've never believed in any of that Heaven and Hell nonsense!"

The room was growing darker. The blue gleam along the edge of the reaper's scythe was becoming more obvious.

ASTONISHING, said Death. REALLY ASTONISHING. LET ME PUT FORWARD ANOTHER SUGGESTION: THAT YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A LUCKY SPECIES OF APE THAT IS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THE COMPLEXITIES OF CREATION VIA A LANGUAGE THAT EVOLVED IN ORDER TO TELL ONE ANOTHER WHERE THE RIPE FRUIT WAS?

Fighting for breath, the philosopher managed to say: "Don't be silly."

THE REMARK WAS NOT INTENDED AS DEROGATORY, said Death. UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, YOU HAVE ACHIEVED A GREAT DEAL.

"We've certainly escaped from outmoded superstitions!"

WELL DONE, said Death. THAT'S THE SPIRIT. I JUST WANTED TO CHECK.

He leaned forward.

AND ARE YOU AWARE OF THE THEORY THAT THE STATE OF SOME TINY PARTICLES IS INDETERMINATE UNTIL THE MOMENT THEY ARE OBSERVED? A CAT IN A BOX IS OFTEN MENTIONED.

"Oh, yes," said the philosopher.

GOOD, said Death. He got to his feet as the last of the light died, and smiled.

I SEE YOU...

=D

Lately I’ve been getting really anxious about getting a fulltime position with Bioware.  I know it’s somewhat unlikely due to the economy and hiring freeze, but at the same time I’ve been getting a good feeling from my boss, and been hearing a few good things about my chances.  But at the end of the day it could go either way.  And I have so much riding on this.  I don’t have much of a life in Winnipeg anymore, but the only reason I moved to Edmonton was for this job.  I’ve made a great life here now, and want to keep it.  And I probably won’t know anything about a full-time position until the last minute, in October.

It’s really stressing me out some nights, when the reality of what’s at stake hits me.  If this doesn’t pan out, I can either get a crap job for 3 months until I can return to Bioware for another year and try my hand again at fulltime in a better economic climate and hopefully no hiring freeze, or I can apply at studios in Vancouver or Montreal, or even the U.S.  But I’d so much rather stay at Bioware, a company I LOVE being a part of.

Anyway, that aside, we had a meeting today and I got to see some really cool company secrets.  Also got to hear about the guys at Penny Arcade who got a full build of the game and what they thought of it.  Good stuff.

At 5:00 today there’s a company picnic I’m looking forward to.  It goes until 8:00 at which point I’m picking up my Mom who’s visiting me for the weekend!  It’ll be great, I haven’t seen her since Christmas, and I’m really excited to give her the Bioware tour and show her where I’ve been working and what I’ve become so passionate about.  So I’ll be hanging out with her all weekend. 

Also, next month my good friend Andi will be in town.  Also haven’t seen her since Xmas, and she’s since moved to Vancouver.  Now we’re 2 people who left their hometown to chase dreams and evolve, and I’m really looking forward to hanging out with her again.

Also, been getting in to Soul Calibur 4 lately with the guys at work.  Every break we head down to the lunch room and play winner goes on.  Good times.  I bought the game, and after a bit of training I’m a force to be reckoned with.  Though lately Reid has my number.  But I’ll figure his moves out and put him where he belongs :P

365

“Remember, the brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough…” - Dr. Randy Pausch

A year ago today I woke up in a cheap hotel in Thunder Bay.  I was 24, had about 170,000 km on my car, 13 grand in debt and a sneaking suspicion that I still hadn’t quite found what I was looking for.  I had been stuck in a rut in Winnipeg.  Too much history, too many poor decisions and missed opportunities.  I had built up too much momentum in the wrong direction, and almost every facet of my life was a reflection of someone I didn’t want to be, someone I didn’t believe I was.

After 2 weeks on the road, 2 weeks of solitude and new experiences, and of independence, I knew my life was no longer indicative of who I was becoming and what I wanted to do with myself, even if I didn’t quite know what that was yet.  I’d walked the crowded streets of downtown Chicago, ate at a rooftop bistro in Old Montreal, followed the riverbank in Ottawa, and navigated Chinatown in Toronto.  Nothing tied those experiences together other than my experience of them.  I was completely on my own out there, and learned what I was capable of.  And suddenly the life I had didn’t feel like enough.  I wanted more, I always had.  And I finally believed I was capable of it.

To say I was restless when I returned to Winnipeg would be an understatement.  Rogers Video just didn’t feel that rewarding anymore.  My apartment felt like a coffin, and driving down the same streets I’d known my whole life, the only streets I’d ever know, lacked any sense of adventure.  Winnipeg was a great city, and had great people in it.  This was no one’s fault but my own.  Through excuses and denial I’d painted myself into a corner, and it was time to decide who it was I wanted to be, and I just couldn’t evolve any further in Winnipeg.

I decided to move to Edmonton to work off some of the debt I’d accumulated on my roadtrip and search for that adventure and evolution I was so lacking.  When my cousin offered to help me get a job at Bioware I was ecstatic.  Already I was learning opportunities don’t come to you, you have to reach out.

With my new attitude new opportunities were even springing up in Winnipeg.  I started to learn I didn’t need to run from Winnipeg to get my life back on track, but by this point Bioware was a real opportunity, and to turn it down now would in fact be running from the very thing I was trying to build.  So I went through with it, said goodbye to everyone and moved away from the city I’d lived in my whole life.

Some aspects went smoother than others.  Some people were hurt, some were supportive, and every relationship of every form in my life changed to some degree.  Literally everything I ever knew changed.  I’d always been very proud of the life I’d built for myself in Winnipeg, the people I surrounded myself with, and in recent times the many new friends I’d made.  Now I was alone in a new city for the first time.  I had no social life, and spent most nights talking to friends from Winnipeg, and Kyra, with whom I had somehow deluded myself into believing I could work out a long distance…  thing…

As the months passed my life in Winnipeg began to dissipate, which is only natural since I wasn’t there anymore.  Things with Kyra understandably didn’t work out.  Some long standing issues with my oldest friends finally came to the surface and resulted in even fewer Winnipeg connections.  And for a while, times were dark.

I felt betrayed by many of the people in Winnipeg, missed my family, didn’t know anyone that well in Edmonton yet, was in the darkest months of an Albertan winter and was in an unfamiliar city where I just barely knew how to get to even get to work.  I was alone and lost.  At times I wondered what the hell I was doing.  Had I thrown away everything I’d ever known due to some adolescent longing for adventure?

Maybe.  But it was a longing I couldn’t silence.  It was the same longing that had drove me deep in to debt for a roadtrip I couldn’t afford.  The same longing that had made me grow bitter towards the life that confined me in Winnipeg, the same longing that I’d been trying to silence for years.  I would never be able to shut it up, so finally I decided to follow it as far as it’d take me.

And you know what they say, always darkest before the dawn.  Through the fallout of it all some of my Winnipeg friends really proved to me they were true friends; I began to find my stride at work and realize this was something I wanted to do with the rest of my life and was a real possibility, I began to make true friends in Edmonton and go out on weekends, having a blast every time I did.  I began to learn my new city.  The snow began to melt and the sun came out.  I walked down Whyte Ave in my t-shirt after a night of partying with new friends.  I began to form a new life.  And this one felt like mine.  I love my friends, I love my job, I love this city.

I proved to myself and everyone that you can take it all away from me, and I’ll just build it all again.  When the darkest days come and I lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, I will march forward until I find it again.  I proved once and for all I do know how to be happy.  I am capable of defining myself.  And I finally managed to silence the longing, to fill the void I’d been feeling for almost a decade.

It’s been liberating.  I finally feel worthy of the things I’ve wanted my whole life.  I’m willing to earn the things I’m after.  I’ve let go of any grudges, made peace with any demons, and am not only ready to move forward to a new future, but am already living it.  And the future is bright.

A year ago today I woke up in a cheap hotel in Thunder Bay with a sneaking suspicion I still hadn’t found what I was looking for.  Better late than never.

Nomad

“The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created--created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination.”

-John Schaar

Life has been getting pretty good out here.  I finally feel like I’ve really hit my stride, and this feels like MY life now.  I don’t feel like I’m on some temporary adventure (though this is an adventure for certain), or a vacation from my actual life.  This is a new chapter in my life, and it’s really gaining momentum.

Last weekend I went out for sushi with some of the friends I’ve made here, and afterwards a few of us went to Nathan’s and played board games until 4:00 AM.  Junk food, joking around and some epic last minute wins.  It was a ton of fun.

Work has continued to go quite well.  I don’t want to count my eggs before they’re hatched, but I feel confident I’ll be getting contract renewals to keep me here for a while, hopefully long enough to prove myself worthy of a permanent position.

I continue to make new friends, and have started meeting some women through lavalife.  Bioware doesn’t exactly have a high ratio of women, and I’m in a new city, so online seems to be the only way to meet any women for now.  But I have a few prospects and one set date, so hopefully all goes well!  Of the prospects I have, they’re all quite good looking, so hopefully I click with one of them on a personal level as well.

I tried out a moustache for a while, lol.  Always wondered what it would look like, and now I know.  But it wasn’t really my style, and with a date on the horizon I decided to shave it off.

When I first got out here it was so bizarre.  I’d committed myself to doing something, for many personal and financial reasons, but now I was actually out here, and all ideas of how it would be were left in Winnipeg.  The reality of it was somehow more surreal than my speculation had been.

But I had faith in myself.  This is relatively new.  It was developed over the past few years through things like gaining clarity on the demons that had haunted me most my life, and proactive approaches like the road-trip.

It’s been exactly what I needed to take the next step on my journey as well.  Leaving Winnipeg was one of the hardest things I’ve forced myself to go through.  Seeing my friends, my life, vanish in the rear-view mirror as I drove off into the night is something I will never forget.

But it’s also been liberating.  I got out here and I had no one to answer to by myself.  This was monumental for me.  And while I make new friends here and know that relationships come with responsibility, I learned a valuable lesson through all this;  I’m the one living my life, I’m the one with the most information on my life so I will always be the one to make the final decisions in my life, informed decisions.  Outside perspective is incredibly important, but it’s a crutch if you don’t have the commitment or confidence to follow your convictions or to trust your own values and reasoning.

As the novelty started to fade, as I began to find a new me in a new city, and as I found that certain truths about one’s self are true no matter where you are, I felt a new life beginning.  And this was bizarre as well, but in a new way.  Looking back, mere months, I see a life that now seems distant and unreal.  That this new life is now my life, and the things I defined myself by ended up being circumstantial is the new sense of novelty I find.

A few nights ago I went out for a smoke.  We live at the very edge of the city, and as I have my smokes I often listen to the coyotes howling in the distance.  This particular night, from out of the darkness, one emerged.  It stood there in the field and just stared at me.  It was relaxed and calm, and one of the most cinematic moments of my life.  In no way did I feel threatened, and I stood there with my smoke, in silence, and just let myself experience it.  As I finished my smoke and began to turn to leave, so did it, and vanished back into the darkness.

I have much more to learn from this new adventure, and I have no way of knowing where it will take me.  But I do know that I’m getting stronger for it, and that it wouldn’t have been a reality if not for the strength I always possessed and never trusted, until now.

Now With Quotes!

“It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”

-CHUCK PALAHNIUK, Diary

"What Is Your Greatest Strength & Weakness?"

Bioware called today and I had a phone interview with two QA people. I think it went really well. I explained that I know how to troubleshoot, reverse engineered my dalefurutani.net website when I never knew a thing about flash, not to mention used to design entires episodes for Duke Nukem 3d, and dabbled in RPG Maker back in the day.

My cousin Bill, the one who I'd live with if I get the job and who works for Bioware as well, told me from what he heard, it's looking good for me. He's gunna keep me posted over the next few days, and I should get an email from Bioware either at the end of the week, or early next week, and then I'll know for sure. But the interview went well and they were asking me how soon I could move out there, so I'm pretty sure I got it.

So looks like I'll be moving to Edmonton. I'm super excited, and a little sad.

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."
-Anatole France