Thursday, December 24, 2009

You Can’t Go Home Again

I knew this trip was going to be different.  But I still wasn’t prepared. 

I’ve been here a little over a day, and I’m already overwhelmed with conflicting feelings.  It’s so great to see my family again, I’ve seen a few of my friends and it’s been great seeing them as well!  But things are different too…

When I first got in it was like nothing had changed and I felt like I’d never left.  It was really surreal, like the last year was just a dream.  But now I’m beginning to see that first impression was an illusion.  Nothing is the same when you look closer. 

It’s like I’m seeing my life without me.  This was my life once.  Last time I visited I’d only been gone a few months, so it was still my life.  But this visit is quite different.  Everyone has moved on.  They’ve drifted apart and are doing different things.  I guess in some naive way, I always felt like my life in Winnipeg would be there, waiting for me.  But I come back now, and nothing’s where I left it.  Everyone’s changed, and so have I.

I suppose I’m mourning.  I realize now, that life is gone.  Those days are never coming back.  Life continued without me.  You can’t visit a place for 2 weeks out of a year and expect to fit just like you did when you left.

I love my life in Edmonton now.  But for the first time, I think it’s time I truly recognize what I left behind.  I had a good life here.  And I will miss it.  Because I’ll never be back, not truly…

As Andi helped me realize: no matter where we all end up, we’ll always have the memories…


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