As the title suggests, I've had an existential day.In the past few days homesickness has hit me in a big way. To the point that I've started wondering if moving out here was a mistake. The job is great, but life feels so much less rewarding out here. It's the people mainly. I've always been a people person, the people in my life are more important to me than pretty much anything else...
But the more I thought about it the more I knew this was more than just that. Much more.
I've always been a creature of habit. I like my routines and my comfort zones, I've never hidden that fact. After being alone out here, making new routines and patterns, I'd begun to notice a strange discomfort within me. I knew there would be an adjustment period, but this is not what I expected.
When you've only had one way of living your whole life, you can come to depend on things you never even knew were there. You can avoid certain facts because they never become necessary. You've never had a reason to question these things, so why would you? Until the placeholder answers are gone, and there's a void left.
It took me a while to realize something wasn't quite right. All I knew was I felt uneasy and couldn't quite pinpoint why. Was it just homesickness? Did I just miss my friends? Just a healthy amount of lonliness? No, this was more than that.
I can't quite put into words the conclusions I came to, mainly because I haven't really come to any yet. But I'm beginning to sense I'm not in Kansas (or Winnipeg) anymore. And I'm beginning to realize maybe I'm not who I always thought I was. I'm seeing my own life from foreign eyes. I am completely removed from my patterns, finally free to recognize them for what they were. From inception to completion.
I'm learning things about myself. Some of them bring pride, and some shame. Almost all are shocking. I have some serious redefining to do. It's not that I'm changing, in so much as I'm finally recognizing my reflection. The ripples are subsiding and it's starting to become clear. It's just not what I was expecting to see.
1 comment:
There's always an interesting adjustment period when you make a big change, my friend. You always get that self-reflective-self-awareness feeling. I've just gone through something very similar. Most of the normal things in my life changed, and I was left feeling kind of naked. Really opens your eyes, and like you said, sometimes you see things you don't expect. It passes though, and as far as I've experianced you end up feeling a little better about yourself each time it happens.
PS. I saw that sculpture when the Rodin exhibit was here last year. Was very cool, although it wasn't the huge one, it was just a smaller one. Still, very neat to see IRL.
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