Monday, March 30, 2009


I’m a very all or nothing person.  Black and white.  I try not to be, intellectually I know most of the world lies in the grey realm in between, but my gut still acts as though I live in a world of absolutes.

I hate the glacial pace of change.  Well, at least change I’m ready for.  It’s comforting when it’s something scary, because you get to ease yourself into it.  But when you’ve made a mental commitment, some sort of decision to change, you want it NOW.  And I have a bad habit of pretending that’s the case.  When I decide I want something to change, I act like the decision itself changed it.  The very next day I trick myself into believing I’m living in a new world, everything looks different under this new light.  But then a bit of time passes and I sober up from the initial excitement and realize these things take time.

I know that’s ok.  And realistically it’s probably better this way.  But it’s really frustrating waiting for the results of your old decisions to give way and be replaced by new results of newer decisions.

Maybe I need to be a bit more forgiving of myself too.  I think I tend to approach problems backwards sometimes.  I act as if my mind changing if the finality of some long journey, when in reality it’s usually just the beginning.

My life has changed a lot this year.  I tend to say that every year, but it’s been true every year.  And this leads me to believe I’m on the right path, because as I grow and learn, I grow and learn faster.  But I have to be patient and can’t expect a new life to immediately feel natural and comfortable.  That comes with time and experiences.

So I’m learning that, while these decisions seem to be the right ones, I still need to remember that the most important thing is to just believe in myself, be myself, and let the changes follow.  I can’t continue to expect the world around me to define me, I need to start defining my world.  I need to be who I am, project it outwards and then navigate the world illuminated by that light.

And that’s my vague existential post for the day!  Forest Ham!

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